I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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