If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
