I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
