I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Text me some of your sweat
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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