Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
