and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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