Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
