Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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