Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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