you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
