I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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