non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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