OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
