i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
