If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
