you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
