Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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