8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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