Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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