she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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