mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I love you.
Bad choice
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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