can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
