dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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