it wasn't lemon gatorade
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
