Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
