Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
