I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
