i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
