I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
