Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
