I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
