She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
