peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious