Im at strip club and am horny
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.