I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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