omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
