apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
