I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
