There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
