Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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