There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize