If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
