My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
