Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
