You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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