To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
