I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
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He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
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Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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