I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
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Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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