I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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