my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
