i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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