He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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