recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
