see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
